me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
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if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”