First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
hackers play passwordle
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years