Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
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Festive toon…
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat