My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
every college guy’s fridge
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!