[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!