I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky