I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
These are my roll models.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!