Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
So we got a goldfish…
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm