[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
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Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Siri: Retweet me.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
This guy gets it.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon