An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Don’t talk down to me
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Wait a minute…