Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
my sentiments exactly
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me