photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?