Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
How dramatic are you?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.