I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops