No chill.
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grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.