7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Hitlers gonna hitl
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
These are too funny not to post 😂
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
shit just got real
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.