[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Dance like you’re not the father
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Sell your car
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.