IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.