why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.