Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”