The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.