me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I can’t deal with men any longer
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.