LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
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Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Just a bush.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!