– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Its a hippotatomus