The happy life.. đ
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
itâs all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet itâs your liver & kidneys
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Yup….perfect score!
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[Elementary School sends out the âtime to check lost and found for your childâs missing itemsâ annual emailâŚ]
Me: Hello, U-haulâŚMe againâŚImma need your biggest truck
Most fears fill us with doubt and âwhat ifsâ that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and youâll grow and succeed!
đ¸: @blessingmanifesting
Iâm prepared for anything, as long as it isnât hard or boring or scary
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesnât)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…Iâm just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. Gânight. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, heâs going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, orâ
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you couâ
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.