My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.