High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.