Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
#inspiration #foodforthought
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Best spot.. 😅
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.