I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You Might Also Like
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Facebook memories be like
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
They must have gotten it to go.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments