It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Go girl power!
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“TGIM!” – My liver
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Yup!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Please do it!
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.