[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well