One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.