I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*