My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
that de-escalated quickly
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
good for her
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles