I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.