I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Happy Caturday!