I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.