It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
You Might Also Like
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
wait.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway