All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.