If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
shut up and take my money
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Do not levitate over flowers
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?