Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.