Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
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Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
hmm conte-me mais
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”