[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday