if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.