It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi