*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.