*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
You Might Also Like
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?