when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Oops
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.