A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”