COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?